Namaste Motherf*%#er

This morning I was scrolling through my Facebook feed trying to avoid doing, you know, actual work when I came across this article about lawmakers in Montana attempting to pass a bill that would basically criminalize yoga pants.

Photo courtesy Daveynin

Photo courtesy Daveynin

My first thought was, of course, WHAT THE F*%KITY F*%K?  My second thought was, I would be naked most days if I could not wear yoga pants.  In fact, I immediately shared the link with Jill because we would BOTH be naked.  Because yoga pants are kind of my only reason for living some days.

Blessedly, the legislative panel moved to kill the bill, introduced by Rep. David Moore, that was being touted as in indecent exposure bill.  The panel, in fact, laughed at it!  As they freaking should!  The bill was apparently drafted after a “Bare As You Dare” bicycle ride through Missoula, Montana last summer made some people uncomfortable with the fact that other people have bodies too.  To those who cycled naked, or even remotely close to naked I APPLAUD YOU!  Cycling fully clothed can be precarious, naked can be downright dangerous.  But I digress.

The thing that REALLY set me off about this is wording of the proposal.  It would have expanded the definition of indecent exposure to include garments that give the appearance of a person’s buttocks, genitals, pelvis or female nipple.

I take offence to EVERY FREAKING ONE OF THESE! We are now proposing that people with large asses be punished for not being able to find or afford clothes that fit properly.Or worse yet, people who have the audacity to LIKE their big ol’ booties and feel most confident and comfortable in clothing that accentuates it.  What about the fact that I have a big tummy that expands over my pelvis.  Are my running pants indecent because of the fact you can easily make out the curve of flesh over my pelvis?  And believe me dude, NO ONE wants camel toe.  There is no need to freaking outlaw it.  That’s a fight each of us go through on a daily basis!  And REALLY with the female nipple.  REALLY?!?!  Are we still doing this?  Are we going to sexualize and demonize women’s breasts some more?Because I am so fucking over it!

You guys I have just had it with this!  I am so sick of the patriarchy of the government and you know, just about everything else.  I am PISSED at this David Moore character and Walt Hill who helped draft this obsurred bill. Because you know what?  Fuck you!  You don’t get to sit around in all your white, male privilege and tell me what I can and cannot put on my body.  I do not wear yoga pants to sexually entice anyone.  Not even my husband! In fact sexually enticing someone with my casual wear has NEVER ONCE CROSSED MY MIND! I wear tight fitting clothes to work out, to relax in and because sometimes the only damn thing that will slide over my ass is the stretchy wonder that are yoga pants!  Yeah, I wear them to Target and to the movies and to pick up my kids at school.  SO THE HELL WHAT?  When I’m cold, my nips show. SO DO MY HUSBANDS!  Yet you are not demanding that he not wear a shirt in which his nipples wouldn’t be visible to your poor eyes.  Stop making my body a war zone!  You have no claim to this hunk of flesh!  

I am done with women being told all the things they can and cannot do with their bodies. I am sick of the fact that there are constantly bills being passed (overwhelming written by men, by the way) in states and in the federal government that tell women AGAIN AND AGAIN that they do not own their bodies.  Why does some dude get to tell me how to dress? If I can take birth control or not?  If I can have an abortion or not?  If I can get paid as well as him or not?  I have an eight year old daughter who I think can do anything!  She can BE anything!  She can make choices for herself and her body.  She is more than her nipples and vagina.  I am more than my nipples and vagina.  YOU ARE TOO!  

I try really hard not to get up on my soap box around here because I know some of you don’t agree with me and my politics – and that’s fine. This isn’t about politics. This is about sisterhood. PLEASE if you are a woman STAND UP FOR OTHER WOMEN!  You may chose not to wear yoga pants because your body is so rockin’ that you don’t want to give half your neighborhood a stiffy.  Good for you.  But PLEASE don’t tell another woman that she doesn’t have the right to make that choice for herself.  Don’t let men make these choices for us either!  Use your voice, use your vote and stand up for your sisters!  

Now pardon me while I go and put on my yoga pants so I can drive all the stay-at-home dad’s at the park WILD WITH LUST because I FUCKING CAN.

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  • Reply
    February 13, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    But I have been having fun blaming everything on naked cyclists lately.

    • Reply
      Sarah Maren Whitehead
      February 13, 2015 at 4:00 pm

      Marianne, as a resident of Montana I will allow your blaming things on naked cyclists. ;) I am worried about the naked cyclists well being more than anything. You know how dangerous bikes are!

  • Reply
    February 13, 2015 at 9:56 pm


  • Reply
    February 13, 2015 at 9:57 pm


  • Reply
    Lisa Ellis
    February 15, 2015 at 10:13 am

    Found this via a post on Facebook. You are so right on the mark and your observations and the way you express them are fucking hilarious. I’m not a mom but I’ll definitely be stopping by your blog again.

    • Reply
      Sarah Maren Whitehead
      February 16, 2015 at 9:07 am

      Thanks Lisa! I am glad you’re here!! Everyone’s welcome – mom or not. :)

  • Reply
    Jill Mansfield
    February 17, 2015 at 4:38 pm

    I wish I could like comments like you can on Facebook. Y’all are rad. xo

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